Happy Spouse. Happy House.
It was just the two of us. Hand in hand walking through the Temple of King Ramsey III in 105 degree heat under the Egyptian sun. My husband and I had not been alone with no kids abroad since Skylar was born over 5 years ago. For my 40th birthday, Ricky gifted me with two nights in Aruba before flying to Egypt for a week, a travel destination that I have been hoping to explore since before he knew me. With not a worry in the world besides each other and our next adventure, we slept in, we stayed up late… we had uninterrupted conversation over cocktails and a breathtaking view of the Nile River. We got lost in the bazaar, we booked midnight dinner reservations, we took long showers, rode camels and drove ATVs through the desert. I caught myself getting closer to him in crowded spaces, adoring his chivalry, noticing the twinkle in his mocha brown eyes, and not getting enough of his sweet affection. And I realized that I was still falling in love with this man…
It felt so intense that for a moment, I didn’t understand why I didn’t experience this every day. But in truth, the answer was obvious. And as beautiful as the life and family we have built for ourselves, it is also the same beauty that distracts us from each other. Rather it’s the same beauty that distracts me from him. For Ricky, it'‘s always all about me. I’ve joked with friends and colleagues that Ricky will do whatever it takes to make sure that the answer is yes whenever I ask for anything. So when he says no, like to baby number 6, he really means it because it’s not easy for him to stop me from getting everything my heart has ever desired no matter how ridiculous it can be. It’s wildly endearing. It’s been all about me ever since he made up his mind that I was the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. My happiness is his priority and that priority is unwavering after 1 baby, after 2 babies, after 3 babies, after 4 babies, and now after 5 babies. It remained strong after long distance during our fellowship, after my postpartum blues, in the middle of a global pandemic, a 3-week writing sabbatical, and 5 under 5. Happy wife, happy life, they say. As he was making sure my happiness was secure, I was losing sight of the big picture.
It was, it is, easy to get caught up in the chaos of crying children and calendars. Then add work, leadership, exercise, book promotion, meetings, staying hydrated, making it home for bedtime, sucking snots, laundry, camp, sports, swim, fevers, caffeine, social media content, babysitters, errands, pediatric appointments, nightly skin regimen, and before I know it, I am not even talking to my husband. I’m talking to the nanny and the kids and to myself as I run through the to-do list… passport application, kindergarten paperwork, selections for rebuilding a house, amazon returns, pay the lawn service, organize something, deadlines, open the mail, before an alert from the hospital snaps me out of it only to add to my list and remind me that I need a mani/pedi. I sigh about my colorless, chipped nails. Ricky will comment, that’s a big sigh before I notice his presence. I am so overwhelmed that I only disclose to him my latest thought. “I really need to get my nails done,” I tell him, flashing him the back of my hand.
“Do you have time to go tomorrow? On me,” he will respond. Again, my happiness = his priority.
There is a reason why I have zero mom guilt (I explain in my prior blog post “The Thing About Mom Guilt”). I make all of my decisions in the best interest of Skylar, Maverick, Naomi, Zuri and Aliyah, and they are my priority all of the time. I put them first, and physiologically, as a mother, a part of me is biologically designed to behave this way. There are times that I hormonally believe that I cannot help but have tunnel vision on them and their needs regardless of the significance. And as I stay busy putting them first and Ricky is inherently occupied with putting me first, it begs the question- Who is putting him first? I find myself having wife guilt as I try to answer this question.
Who is putting Ricky first? As he is booking my extravagant birthday in Egypt, staying home on the weekends with the kids while I take ICU call and attend book events, ensuring our vision board will come to fruition, securing our financial freedom, keeping my dreams on track, building our future, and making my happiness his priority. The disappointing answer was that it was not me. And perhaps, no one was since our first born came into our lives and now our first born is 6 years old.
Surrounded by pyramids in Giza, a symbol of eternity, I knew this had to change. Sometimes we have to get out of our day-to-day lives to find the inspiration to evolve. If I could make his happiness my priority, the same way he does for me, everything falls perfectly into place including what it takes to keep our 5 tiny, magical humans safe and loved. Our family is a symbol of eternity and that eternity was sparked by the two of us. What a phenomenal setting it was for this epiphany. Understanding this gives me perspective and helps me appreciate him and the way he loves us. However, despite discovering clarity half way across the world, I am still trying to figure it all out. And as soon as we touched down and returned home, I get absorbed right back into the wonderful and overwhelming chaos. I am nowhere near where I would like to be as his wife, and I desperately hold on to that part of myself in Egypt, snug in Ricky’s arms as we float in a pool made for a pharaoh recognizing him as the center of my universe.
Change isn’t always easy even if we really want it for ourselves. My resilience was created from spending my entire childhood putting myself first. My grit and egocentric approach to life is the reason I survived. It’s the reason why I am here and I am who I am. Even as a 40 year old woman, it’s so hard to let that little girl go. However, there is one thing that I have figured out. I will not let this attachment be the barrier to my growth as his wife and parent. And the same energy I devoted to myself for so long has to be shifted and refocused for my present life. Unlike so long ago, I am now safe and loved. And furthermore, I am adored and prioritized. One day at a time, I will repurpose that tenacity for the person that matters to me most making our happiness my priority.
Happy wife, happy life, they say…
Happy spouse, happy house, we say…
